There’s no such thing as ghosts

An open letter from Timmy Turtle.

To the Jelly Journal Editor, 

I am writing regarding your recent Halloween coverage. 

First, those mysterious masked ball invitations. Reports of gatekeeping gargoyles. I understand Leola Bear has submitted doorbell footage supposedly showing a ghost. 

A ghost. 

I would like to state now, for the record, my firm belief that ghosts do not exist. Neither do Vampop Drinks or Glazespun Doughnuts. Statues remain statues after sunset, and putting a gargoyle near a castle does not make it alive. It makes it architecture. 

As for Leola’s footage, I have reviewed the evidence and see nothing that could not be explained by poor lighting, a misplaced sheet or somebody standing where they shouldn’t. 

I would therefore appreciate a little restraint before the Jelly Journal declares the entire Halloween season “spooky”. 

There is also a separate matter requiring attention: Amuseables Peanut’s 'Cat’ outfit.

Since putting it on, Peanut has begun prowling beneath furniture and appearing unexpectedly at ankle height. Yesterday, he knocked a glass of water from a table and stared me down – me! – until I turned away, abashed.  

I want to stress that this is not cat behaviour. It is simply *bad *behaviour, with whiskers. 

So, to summarise: there are no ghosts. There are no Vampops. Gargoyles do not gatekeep. No dancing doughnuts, no mysterious parties, no haunted happenings.  

If any alleged castle inhabitant wishes to dispute the above, the Jelly Journal is welcome to publish their response. 

I shall await it with complete confidence – and absolutely no need for a nightlight. 

Regards,
Timmy Turtle